Leaving China

Everyone says that it's harder for the ones staying, but as I begin to commit to this process of leaving I find that I disagree. Though, maybe it's just me. I tend to be an outlier. 

I look at the China-world around me and think of how little I know about this people, their culture, and their language and my soul hurts. My eyes begin to fill with tears. How can I leave when there is so much yet to learn?!

I walk up the main staircase as school is about to start and I am embraced by third-graders who were in my first Tianjin kindergarten class. They want me to email them so we can plan times to get together and have a reunion. How can I leave?! How can I choose to miss out on their continued growth and development?!!

I sit on the blue, square carpet in the middle of my Douglas Fir Foundation classroom and am sat on, sneezed on, hugged, squeezed, poked, and prodded. I wipe tears, blow noses, and help children learn to communicate and share. I have taught them how to say, "I love you," in American Sign Language, and we often blow kisses to one another. How can I leave these people behind?!

I go to the cafeteria at school to meet with high school students. As I go, I pass by old fifth-grade students who are now middle schoolers. We're getting together in a couple Fridays. They want to know if I am coming to the middle school club this Friday to celebrate a birthday. I get to the cafeteria and meet with high schoolers wanting to go to Cambodia this year and maybe next year. Some high schoolers want to meet just to chat. And I am leaving these relationships behind?!

I sit in my living room, holding the hands of Chinese friends with whom I have prayed, studied the Bible, loved, and learned. They have invited me to their homes and they have come to mine. We can't always understand what we are saying to one another, but our souls are united. How can I leave this special group of people?

Text messages, emails, Skype messages, and WeiXin messages come to me from friends I have made through various English corners. They want to know where I have gone, when we'll have another party, and how we can get together again. These are the people who have shown me another side to China. Students, business people, parents, young adults. How can I leave behind these opportunities to learn and know more?

Either way you look at it, staying or going, it is tough to say goodbye.