Cambodia -- My Hypocrisy?

Written while I was there. Published now.

I sit here, on a couch, in a foreigners’ hotel, next to the Mekong River in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I’m supposed to be writing the plan for my Bible lesson for the kids in a “suburban village” we are going to this evening after church. My stomach is feeling a bit uncomfortable. I stop to write this “reflective essay” because I find that I am faced with a choice. I could stand up, go to the fridge, and eat. I could relieve my small hunger pains, return to my computer screen, notebook, and Bible, and continue writing words of encouragement for the children in this factory village. But, isn’t that hypocritical?

When their stomachs feel uncomfortable, whether it is because of hunger pangs or those other, sickly reasons, are they able to immediately rise up, go across the room (which they don’t have) and pull out some leftover food that is just waiting to be consumed? If hunger is not the source of their pain, can they easily get up and go to the toilet? Go get medicine from the cabinet? Have their parents drive them to the doctor?

No.

Isn’t my ease of being full and overfilled a type of hypocrisy?

This stance may not be true for the world, but the conviction is true for me. For at least three years I have been thinking about Matthew 5 and the hungry who will be filled in heaven, the mournful who will find their joy in heaven, and those of us who have lived happy, full-stomached lives who will still – get as much reward for our life trials and choices as those who have experienced real starvation and life destruction?! 

Based on Matthew 5, I think I won’t. 

(WARNING! CAUTION!! Does this come from a mind that fights to go back to earning the approval of God? –Yes. And yet, I will continue to build a case for my point.)

It is true, I will know greater joy and fullness in the eternal presence of Jesus, but will I know it to the same depth of sweetness as those who have hungered and mourned to great depths of starvation and sorrow? I actually think not. How can I? I have chosen and been filled with the immediate pleasures of this world rather than denying myself and waiting for eternity. (Biblical? The other side: I am welcomed to enjoy the blessings of the Lord because He has chosen to bestow them upon me, thus far, while I live on this earth.) 

Perhaps this is the true point of God’s conviction upon my soul: have I been sharing His blessings appropriately?

I will say it clearly so there is no confusion: There is nothing inherently wrong with earthly wealth, but what does the accumulation of wealth reveal about my heart?

Where my treasure is there my heart will be also.

And so, I sit here with my conundrum. I am, I think, legitimately hungry. It would be no sin for me to go to the fridge to get something to eat. The food is there and already purchased. We will be eating it anyways. But, where does this pattern of the “necessity of comfort” end? If the Lord has convicted my soul, then I must choose to take steps to change. When do I start to take those steps? How do I keep those steps in a consistent manner?

Suddenly, I am aware of the time.

I need to go finish writing my Bible lesson about Matthew 8 – the leper and Jesus.

With such ease my conundrum of hypocrisy continues. I will put off eating my breakfast for a few more minutes, a short-term way to placate the wrestlings of my heart.