Wealth

My wealth is staring me in the face and I don’t know what to do with it.

Now I am in China and I don’t have the ability to hide behind my American standards of “unwealth”.

What do you do when the Chinese friend you met at English Corner comes to your home and unveils the fact that you have an ayi? (Chinese housekeeper)

How do you get rid of the awkward silence?

How do you remove her feelings of shock and being distanced?

I feel as if a blockade has risen between us.

(Could be temporary. Could be my imagination.)

Up until this point I have looked out my window at the Chinese riding their bikes, catching the bus, and walking on the street, and have seen them as my equals. I was seeking to identify with them. Now, it would seem, we are not equal, monetarily speaking.

The Lord is pounding me with this realization: I am monetarily RICH.

I don’t feel rich.

I don’t live rich.

I don’t like to do that.

But these “don’ts” and “aren’ts” are my American (“middle class,”) viewpoint.

I have never been the “top dog” in a group. It has suddenly struck me that I AM in China.

(American culture prefers to be the “struggling underdog”. I have always thought my station in life was one that could relate to most all and others.)

When my Chinese friend found out that Bethany and I have an ayi, there was such an awkward silence. She was processing it. I blabbed it out as a confession after she found a paper telling our ayi what to cook. (I have been trying to keep it a secret for a while now.)

Does a chasm now lie between us?

Rich American…Who always asks how much things are, is always talking about the “budget” of things, who never stops asking whether or not something is expensive…

What am I saving up to buy?

Saving up to try to go back to America. Saving up to give my sisters some money for college. Saving up to pay off my college debt, saving up so I can travel around the world and China…

But none of these are bad things.

Most of these are luxurious things.

It is not the world's normal.

My wealth in itself is not a bad thing.

Wealth is not evil.

I am just shocked that I am the wealthy one.

I am shocked at finding out about this piece of my identity.

(It is a piece of who I am on this earth. It is a piece of how the Lord will judge me. It is a part of my stewardship. Have I been PRAISING Him for it? –Another part of my conviction.)